She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
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