If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
