hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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