My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
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