well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
Randomize
