Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
Randomize
