She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
Ikea night.
?
Insert tab A into swedish slot B
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
Randomize
