I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Randomize
