That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Randomize
