We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
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