sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Randomize
