His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Randomize
