i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
He told me they were just razor bumps!
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
Randomize
