I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
Randomize
