watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
Randomize
