By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Can't talk, ducks in the car
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Randomize
