I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
