roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
Randomize
