I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
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