life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
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