Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
Randomize
