i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
Randomize
