you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
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