the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
