i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
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