i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Pavlovs bj experiment 2012. Welcome to the program.
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Randomize
