im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Randomize
