there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
you traded sex for a burrito?
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
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They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
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I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
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