Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
I'm still hoping for it dude. Random north dakota pussy. If my 16 year old self knew that these were my dreams he would so try to beat me up, and i think he could.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
