Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
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