my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
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