I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Randomize
