I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
Randomize