i love accidental penises.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
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