you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
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Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
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Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
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