Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
