I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
Randomize
