my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
Randomize
