It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
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