508, what difference does it make? You were alone, anyway.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
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