to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
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