You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
Randomize
