Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Randomize
