I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
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