just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
Randomize
