the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
Randomize
