My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Randomize
