dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
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