Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
