I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
Randomize
