dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Randomize
