Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
sarcasm needs its own font
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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