I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
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